Sometimes I rage at what happened when I was 12 years old, sometimes I simply accept.? Most of the time, I weep deep inside for the child that lost everything in less than 5 minutes.? Being a former foster child was something that tore a huge hole in me.? Everyone outside of the system thinks that the kids are all abused or neglected.? Those inside the system think the kids all lie, steal, whore, and are all around worthless.? It is a nightmare that, like being a natural mother, never ends.
My family wasn?t abusive, at least not physically.? My mother despised me from before I was born ? I was not the boy she wanted.? She went to a lot of trouble trying to make me a boy, before and after I was born.? My father always treated me like I was way older than I was? I was reading at age 2 and we had creationism vs. evolution discussions by the time I was 11 years old.?
When I was 11 I got raped.? It was the older brother of the first crush I ever had.?
Then, 6 months later I was molested by my stepsister?s then husband? he is long dead.?
I acted out.? Demanded to live with my mother and then was yet again rejected by her.? Sent back to my father, I ran away.? When social services returned me to a home I had never lived in (my father had moved to a different town over a hundred miles away), my father in a drunken fit over me refusing to call my stepmother ?mom? threw me out ?.in front of the social worker.
My first home was a trailer with a graduate student.? She was nice enough.? She taught me about fresh fruit, especially cherries which I love to this day.? But she, like many others, really didn?t care enough to realize that I was lonely, scared and totally shutting down.
My second was a man and woman with their new baby.? She was nice enough, but didn?t care about the budding teen enough to realize that her husband had been slipping into my room by the second night in the house.? I was terrified at first.? After he raped me for real, not just feeling me up in the dark, in the back of his pickup, I stopped being scared.? I imagined myself ?in love? with this man that was sexually assaulting me?. For six months I pretended this, until she finally caught on.
I was punished for this man?s behavior by being locked in a children?s psych ward for 3 weeks with 3 severe RAD males, two self-destructive females and a boy that I believe thought he was a girl.? Sexual behavior was expected.? The day I left one of the RAD males attempted to murder me.? He said he wanted to see what a strangled person looked like?..
Then off to another temp home.? Nice people.? A little bit hippy and they were kind.? They were one of the few places that treated me like a 13 year old girl.? But they didn?t want a sexually alive teen in their home.? They had a small girl.? I was sad to leave, but accepted the first home offered.
It was an older couple.? They were all about being ?good? and very religious.? They insisted we eat weight watchers foods and that I had to both sit on the hot pavement outside and wait for them or go to church.? I think that they believed that eventually I would relent and accept their religious beliefs? they were the first, but not the last.? He finally slapped me in the face.? I might have pushed it, but physical violence is forbidden in foster care? I demanded to leave.?
There were 3 group homes and 3 more foster homes? the last one I aged out of?. 18.5 years old.? More rapes, abuse and neglect than any of my family could have heaped on me.? Even one time when a drug dealer was going to sell me to a brothel in Mexico.? I was the mother of a small child.? No home, no family that would bother enough to help.? I got used by yet another man and then got smart and used him to get an apartment.? I got my daughter back, sort of, made one adult decision and lost her??
Some people think that foster care is supposed to be helping children that are abused, neglected, and generally just lost in life.? We move a lot.? We get used for sex, a lot.? We get beaten, burned and murdered.? Sometimes we just vanish?.one of my foster brothers ran away and ended up, supposedly, as a bus driver in Minnesota?others simply vanished over time.? One killed herself in my room (thank goodness I was at school).? We had babies we weren?t allowed to keep, no matter how good of a parent we were.? We had nothing?. We lived out of black plastic garbage bags and usually didn?t even know that we looked like liars.? We tried hard to just vanish and be nothing? because that is what we were ? nothing.?
Foster care hasn?t changed much over the years.? Some homes are good, not many.? Some are about converting that poor little bastard and saving them.? Some are about money, okay, lots of them are about money.? Some just think that warehousing a kid is a good deed.? Some want housekeepers and babysitters.? Some are group homes that are really experiments in psychology of the human mind.? I have lived in them all?been a lot of things.? So have all the children before and all the children after.?
We aren?t allowed to get attached, so we have attachment issues.? If you trust, you can end up a victim, so we don?t trust.? We aren?t taught about nutrition, money, hygiene or anything that remotely resembles realistic with regard to proper behavior or attire.? We were paraded up and down at charity events and activities.? I have been to Ringling Bros. circus 4 times? which is more than most children ever get to go.? Ice Capades almost as many times.? The Theatre.? The Opera.? To foreign film festivals?.. to black tie events?.? All because it got money for places that were supposed to be helping us?.
Foster hell?. My favorite place on earth.
Source: http://nutcookie.blogspot.com/2011/05/f
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